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Family Deployment: Your Children and Separation

Children going through deployment may experience many of the same effects as children of divorce.

They worry about what will happen to them. They worry that the non-deployed parent will leave, too. Who will take care of them? This is particularly true if mail deliveries are delayed, which can sometimes be the case in early days of separation. Preparing a child emotionally prior to departure will help the child cope when he leaves for training or for deployment.

Make sure children know they are loved. Whenever there is distress in a family, children assume responsibility for it. They may feel responsible that a parent is going away or feel that the parent does not love them any more. Providing consistent, loving assurance will help alleviate this.

Be Truthful: Children are very perceptive! As soon as the service member starts planning and preparing for a drill or deployment, the child will realise that something is up. Do not lie to your child in an attempt to shield him or her from the truth or they may assume something worse. Talk to your child openly and honestly.

Share Feelings: Children often lack the vocabulary to share their feelings. It will help if parents talk about their own feelings which will help children communicate their feelings. Let your child know that even negative thoughts and feelings are okay and quite normal.

Explore Destination: Encourage your partner to show your child where they are going and chart their route on a map or globe. Using books or encyclopaedias, explore weather conditions, cultural norms, or products produced in that region. Communicate with Teachers: If your child is school-age, let the teacher know what is going on at home. The teacher may use maps and chart your partner’s travels with the class!

Design an Activity to Pass Time: Design or create an activity with your child to help mark time. For younger children, make a paper chain with a link for each day your partner will be gone that the child can use to measure time (the child will break a link each day). For an older child, get your partner to choose a book they would both would enjoy and commit to each read a pre-assigned passage every day.

Let Your Child Help Pack: Letting your child help pack with your partner will allow him or her to be more involved in the process and also allow them to “care” for your partner. Encourage them to create some artwork, which will be fun for them and your partner will enjoy their artwork for days and months to come.

Signs of Distress

Even with the best laid plans and a cheerful demeanour, parents cannot always prevent their children from experiencing stress when you are called to duty. They may not fully understand why Dad or Mum is gone and they may worry about their safety. They will also be very perceptive to what the parent at home is feeling. These fears may consciously or subconsciously trouble children.

The following are signs of separation anxiety that children may exhibit when their parent is away.

Preschool Age Children

• Clinging to people or favourite toy or blanket
• Unexplained crying or tearfulness
• Choosing adults over same-age play mates
• Increased acts of violence toward people or things
• Shrinking away from people or becoming very quiet
• Sleep difficulties or disturbances (waking, bad dreams)
• Eating difficulties or change in eating patterns
• Fear of new people or situations
• Keeps primary care giver in view

School-Age Children

• Any of the signs listed above, and:
• A rise in complaints about stomach aches, headaches, or other illnesses
• More irritable and grumpy
• Problems at school (drop in grades, does not want to go, or general complaining)
• Anger toward remaining parent

Adolescents

• Any of the signs listed above, and:
• Acting up behaviours (trouble at school, home, law)
• Low self-esteem and self-criticism
• Misdirected anger (lots of anger over small things; directed at siblings/parent)
• Sudden or unusual school problems

• Loss of interest in usual interests and hobbies

Positive Aspects of Separation

Many parents worry about the negative impact of military deployments on children. However, deployments offer many positive growth opportunities. Several psychological studies show that despite the distress during separation significant developmental gains are made by many children. Some positive aspects of separation include:

Fosters maturity: Military children encounter more situations, and have broader and more varied experiences than children from non-military families, and this induces personal growth. Military children learn more about the world and how to function within a community at an earlier age. Taking on additional responsibilities in a parent’s absence provides a chance to develop new skills and develop hidden interests and abilities.

Encourages independence: Military children tend to be self-starters and more resourceful. A lifestyle filled with greetings and farewells from deployments and relocations helps them build new friendships as well as preparing them for future farewells.

Strengthens family bonds: Military families make emotional adjustments during a separation which often lead them to discover new sources of strength and support among themselves. A major function of family readiness is assuring that the family is aware of all support services available to them and how to access these services. It is imperative that your family realises that they are not alone and that any problems or situations they encounter has probably been addressed before.

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